Bunstan McFunkstan

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I have been working in Prison, teaching da yoof.

Normally, I have found teaching da yoof, pretty cool, and I have a knack for reaching the hard-to-reach, cause once upon a time I was just like them, maybe not as desperate, but always messing about and getting into trouble, not because I wanted the trouble, but because I wanted the teacher to address the fact that his subject was boring, so he should motivate us, and make it relevant, instead of assuming we should all sit quietly and listen to him/her bore the arse off us all...it's a bit cheeky sounding, but why should we make his job easy for him, I want to learn, asking why is asking for help to focus...if he had made it relevant, we'd all be budding physicists or whatever, instead of getting out of there as fast as we could.

Annnnywaaay, you get my point.

So I'm teaching in the prison, and I've managed to play my usual game of headfuck with the clients - if they want something of me, like they want to know why they have to do this crappy maths excersise, I will provide an entertaining and motivating mantra, the likes of which have never been seen before, and they realise they are in the hands of a gypsy, and not some middle class judgemental, punish da yoof with maths monologue, delivered in standard monotone pentametre.

In essence I laid this 'pon da yoof: (names have been changed to protect the innocent, da yoof speak in London Patois, despite being from Eltham and other non London boroughs, and my memory is not perfect so I have paraphrased)

Client 1: Do ya like eating pussy boss?
Me: What do you think Rupert? I'm 36 years old, bud.
Client 2: Do ya boss, cause we fawt you liked eatin batty instead?
Me: hahaha cheers Sebastian, why mate? are you offering?

They laugh, and the gay jokes stop there.

Client 1: I can't be fucked today boss, why da fuck us boys need to do maffs anyways...babylon!!!! (he does the whippy-finger thing at me)

A whole lot of refocussing occurs now, and I have to explain to them what "babylon" actually means, thereby prooving that I am not just a white boy who "done good at school", but actually have something to say, and thereby gets their attention again.

That was some conversation, and I can't remember it all, but if a picture speaks a thousand words, that conversation would look something like this:

Me: listen fellas, how long you got left inside? (answers vary from 27 months to 5 years) Ok so how much pussy do you think you could eat in that time? 5 Years is a whole lot of pussy if I'm not mistaken. Let me put it to you like this. You do the maths, you get a qualification, next time you get out, you stay out, instead of coming back in here for housebreaking or something stupid, and taking showers with all the other lads you were missing so much, yeah? (I do the whippy-finger thing back at him, and we laugh.)

Life is Real fellas...you get me...if you have sex with a girl without a condom, chances are you're going to make a baby...you live your life like you're in the movies, robbin and stealin...chances are...you're going to wind up somewhere like this...so...motivate yourself...every time you think you're bored of maths...add up all the pussy you could eat in 5 years, think about it, think long and hard about the pussy boys...life is real...snoop doggy dogg better get himself a jobby job.

"And after that, well the game was mine." Begbie
ie Yes, I am also laughing at my own vanity, it's not rampant ego-mania, but you do have to love yourself in this world.

Dedicated to the memory of John Wright (Rest in Paisley)

Dear Bloggers, Bloggettes and Blogvestuaries,

LONG TIME NO SEE!!! NO HEAR FROM!!! NO BLOGGING!!!

Yeah I know, but I've now got SOOOOO much to tell you. Right well, back in Feb, not a lot was going on except the comedy every week. Since then I've left my job, left Glasgow and moved. Again. Just when it was all going so well. Had a comedy club all of my own, I had a spot in the naked comedy show, too, during the Festival. Had to cancel, had to moove. I probably sound very flippant as is my wont, but it wasn't a proper happy experience, I was hoping Glasgow would be the place this Gypsy could settle down, but no - access denied. I got a very nice message from my best pal, who said you didn't leave Glasgow, Glasgow left you. Was quite emotional driving past the city limits for the last time.

So. New Financial Year, Baby Jeebus joined the crucifiction party, on the left, one cross each and all that. And was born again, think that happens tommorow. Jeebus was a crazy coot, invented sex you know, quite a groovey cat really. Pity he couldn't invent a common language between genders.

So no comedy for me for a while. Plans at this point are to get work, get flat, get money. Then start looking for gigs. Don't think I'll start a new comedy club this time, might write something instead.

I was watching "Che" this morning, you know the movie about Che Guevara, I read the motorcycle diaries book about two years ago, my girlfriend at the time had it lying around the flat, so I read it, anyway I'm watching the film and it's not the movie with Benicio Del Toro ( how cool is Benny DT ), it's the older one, it's actually a documentary about his life, and then there's another documentary, same DVD, called tracing Che, where an Irish guy retraces his journey from the motorcycle diaries. So I loved Che Guevara from I was quite little, I remember tracing the now ubiquitous image of him in the beret in Art classes when I was 15 or 16, so feckin years ago, long before the fashion statement.

And I'm watching and I started to think what is it about him that I feel so fascinated by, maybe I should go travelling and start changing the world, live out all the impossible ideas I have in my head that I limit because of fear of sacrifice, or family or employment or the world's too stupid to accept, or whatever, where is my over-riding passion, where is my fire, what is my world vision, why don't I have a theory on all of this, and direct my efforts to doing something about it.

Now I've done a lot of AHEM, smoked a lot of AHEM, and even partaken of some AHEM, so this is a common reoccurrence for me to have earth-shattering moments of clarity like this, I'm always looking for them. So it wasn't so much an epiphany, more of a reassurance, like a health-check. And I started thinking, I don't really need to do the travelling, alone, on a motorbike that WILL breakdown, necessitating I learn motorcycle maintenance and all of that shit, that'll just take too long. I am travelling, right now. I am living on someone else's floor, someone else's attic, using someone else's towels, and cooking someone else their food, so they have soup to go to work with and a nice dinner to come home too, to say thanks for putting me up while I find a job and find a flat. Che would be proud.

I am doing something meaningful with my life, I teach folks in deprived areas, the folks noone else will teach, the underclass. I earn a lot less than I would in design, so I'm making sacrifices, daily, yearly, consciously, that other people simply don't, and even more so, I perform to people in the hope that they'll go away and think about the state of the world, and maybe make changes, not by shouting and being angry on stage, but by painting a picture that is at one and the same time truthful and honest and sometimes brutal, there is a war, women in the 3rd world are systematically raped by soldiers to warn their men (wtf???), missiles are bought and sold, instead of spending the money on xxx and x but at the same time you try to point out the beautiful and mysterious and that there is a way to find harmony and peace and beauty in your life, that isn't compromised to shit by working 9-5. I could do the shouting thing, but whispering is actually more effective (and therefore more pre-meditated and manipulative of me mwahahaha) to sucker donkey in with the carrot, hit the donkey with the stick, it does actually move, thus the journey is achieved, but they don't remember the stick, just the carrot.

I would say cha-ching but it doesn't work quite like that, I'll never be the new bill hicks or billy connolly, but it's ok because we have a black president of the US today, things do change. Not saying that is ALL my own work, but.... hahahhahaha... it's nice to feel like you are on the right side. It's nice to tell myself I didn't sit around smoking pot complaining, I got off ma ayuss and did something. And in my daily life I don't go all self righteous on folks, I hung onto some gentler thread of consideration for other people thinking you get more bees with honey, respecting their right to life and their choices, and try to get something positive out of everyone I meet, (especially old ladies at bus stops - they're the ones we should target, the ones with their fingers on the button).

"Life, la la la la la, Life is Life" - Opus
DISCUSS

Hey all,

thanks to all those who helped make Friday night super dooper, Janey Godley came down stairs to say hello, and check out the talent...lot's of reasons to be talented and funny guys and gals - you too could make an appearance on River City, although I would want Roisin to be in my scenes too, I love Roisin, and I want to have her babies.

Ok this friday looking for acts as always, folks, get in touch for 5s 10s and 20s, Viv Gee headlining this friday.

best
J

Also so far confirmed:-

Stave Halcott
Andy Gallacher
Matt Finlayson
Brendan Walace (aka James O'Riordan)
Dee Custance
Kim Griffin

This Friday night, Big Mark Davies comparing.

Night all have a great weekend, whatever you are doing, and the Nike corporation add the proviso to "Just do it", so that's philosophical comedy advice pretty well rounded off soundly there! happy happy joy joy!

This is Hubble from Alcatraz, out.

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HI FOLKS

THIS FRIDAY 5th DECEMBER D.A.M. FINE COMEDY PRESENTS, JAY LAFFERTY!!!!

( I SAW JAY'S "ORGASM WARMUP" THIS WEEK, AND TRUST ME, IT HAS TO BE SEEN TO BELIEVED!!! )

SO JAY HEADLINES THE BILL AT GRAMOFON - SEE HER AND 7 OTHER COMEDIANS, THAT'S 8 COMEDIANS, PLUS ME, FOR £5.OO ONLY, COURTESY OF D.A.M. FINE COMEDY.

'A NEW COMEDY NIGHT EVERY FRIDAY, A PLACE TO JUST HANG OUT, CHILLAX AND SPEND SOME TIME,
SWIMMING IN LAKE COMEDICITY...'

Thanks for Listening

Jonathan

____________________________________________________________
_______________DETAILS______________________________________
____________________________________________________________

D.A.M Fine Productions Presents 'D.A.M Fine Comedy'
at Gramofon Bistro, 7 King St, Glasgow G1 5QZ

An Evening of Stand-Up Comedy featuring 6 new acts,
and one established Headline act, EVERY Friday, in the
heart of Glasgow's most Bohemian Quarter of Trongate.
Compered by Jon Stanley.

Entry £5.00 on the door, show starts at 8.30pm, limited seating.

by bunstan @ Thursday, Nov. 20, 2008 - 21:15:55

This week's gig was amazing, the lineup was better on paper tho I have to apologise for two of the acts, who were in fact terrible. The first terrible act came when my opening act went on ina pair of handcuffs with his pal for charity. Now that's all well and good, but to then proceed to ask everyone in the audience what they do for a living cause you blatantly don't have any material is a bit waring on an audience, and was waring on Friday nights audience, very evidently. The handcuffed pal then got invited to tell a few jokes and it all descended into pish really, sorry Baz, but it did mate - don't do that again please.

Next up was I thnk Michael Manley who was brilliant, spot on very funny, which was needed after the first act so the night was off again. Michael is now doing straight comedy too, he used to do a character act based on a sort of nerdy stalker. it was very funny, and I loved it, but, wha is excellent is that we now both have retired sex pest banter, the other day we happened to get onto the subject of porn for example, and I said I hadn't seen such and such a film/genre/whatever it was and he says, completey dry, you haven't seen such and such? What kind of sex pest are you? See, banter baby.

Next up was Alan Endean, who's an Irish comic, still very clever and interesting act, have to get hime back to perform. Then, we had out incognito actor researching the role of a stand-up for the movie they're making in a couple of months - Joey Frisk. I kid you not, for an actor he was feckin good, mind you he should be he's in the movies, so. Anyway. Why was he so good, he was on fire, there was a daft wee lassie in the front row kept talking to her pals, saying random heckles and getting messages on her phone, which wouldnt' have been a problem if she'd gone upstairs or been quiet about it but she wasn't she was a bit tipsy and a bit silly, and Joey laid into her. So we had a happening on Friday night, it all went spectacular spectacular, the more Joey laid into her, the more the crowd got behind him, until at one point he threatened to throw a glass of water over her and the whole room erupted in agreement.

Next however, we descended again, as Jeremy Miedzinski went on and slated Frisk, who'd just performed, for stealing a Bill Hicks line, and then sooking in with the girsl in the front row who'd been annoying everybody! Bad call on both counts, first of all cause I don't thnk it is a bill hicks line, it's more the sort of aside, millions of comedians hae used without thinking about it. Secondly, don't ingratiate yourself to the most rude person in the room, it pisses off the rest of the room - and it did - I had to get him off before his time, cause he was bombing badly, it reminded me of an episode of CSI New York when a comedian kills a better comedian, so he can steal the limelight.

Scott Agnew was amazing, a wee bit off kilter tonight Scott did about forty minutes, giving the audience a blast of twenty or so minutes of new material, so he's just the best value comic you can get your hands on - any promoters out there want a top headliner on fire, get Scott.

Come to DAM Fine comedy next week and see Keara Murphy, 4 established acts and two new ones - or stay in and be a boring old fart, your choice : )

HI FOLKS

THIS FRIDAY 14th NOVEMBER D.A.M. FINE COMEDY PRESENTS, AUSSIE MENTALLIST RO CAMPBELL!!!!
( NOVEMBER BEING AUSSIE MENTALIST MONTH AND ALL, WE GOT US ANOTHER AUSSIE THIS WEEK!!! )

SO RO HEADLINES THE BILL AT GRAMOFON - SEE HIM AND SIX OTHER COMEDIANS, THAT'S 8 COMEDIANS,
FOR £3.OO ONLY, COURTESY OF D.A.M. FINE COMEDY.

'A NEW COMEDY NIGHT EVERY FRIDAY, A PLACE TO JUST HANG OUT, CHILLAX AND SPEND SOME TIME,
SWIMMING IN LAKE COMEDICITY...'

Hello folks
things are hotting up for Chrimble at Gramofon, after a belter of a gig on Friday 5th when Marcus Ryan flowed through a set and a half of comedy gold for a very receptive crowd, completely rocked the set - Now I told you we'd been out and about schmoozing, and got Des Clarke for you, but he has had to rebook, so the new date is now 12th December ladies and gentlemen, the 12th December, Des Clarke baby, oh yeah. Scott Agnew is back in December as well, so lot's of fun coming your frickin way with laser beams on!!!

This Friday though, it's Ro Campbell, Ro is more your Aussie in the fine tradition of Aussie terrorist comedians I mean he will tear apart whatever morality you had left in this post modernist age, then put it back together, or I could just be talking crap, I don't know, the man's a friend of mine, he's a top great smashing etc headliner, you'll love him he's very funny, so, get your rrrrrrs down to Gramofon this Friday.

Thanks for Listening

Jonathan