Bunstan McFunkstan

Next week I am performing at the Mercat Bar, nr Haymarket, Edinburgh

For details, map etc click here

the speil goes like this:

"Another Monday night is soothed by Dame Keara Murphy and her gaggle of newer comedians cheering y'all up. With headliner Martin McAllister. NB: Ms Murphy's not actually a Dame, sorry."

I will be pimpin the comedicity from the safety of my speedo, with all new jokes, and some all old ones, cause that's just the way I do business see.

Also entered for the Laughing Horse New Act Competition in Feb at Linsey's - if you can make it, anyone from down South can stay at my house if you like. Pls bring your own Speedo and Mac, I would lend you one of my spares, but I have done that in the past and people never return them, my other spare's at the cleaners.

Piece

Thank you for reading this post, dear reader, verrily you are a conscientious ofice worker.

As you may know I am a car-crash comedian and have a tenuous relationship with the President of Um-Bongo who was recently injured at one of my gigs.

In an effort to aasure me that there is no ill feeling, he has transferred all of my assets into your account, which leads me to ask if you wouldn't mind giving it back to me. It is not a vast sum of money, in fact it is just over a fiver. To avoid the unnecessary notification of the President or the tax office however, you can pay me these monies back by buying a smashing new bunstanmcfunkstan merchandise item from my smashing new shop:

Bunstan's Boutique of Balderdash, Bollox and HeeHaw

Woohoo

Seriously folks, what is wrong with you?
(Or is it just the media? )

The girl looks much sexier than she ever did before it all went wrong.

Ask any bloke whether you would rather have a happy healthy girl on your side, ie with curves and a little fat under the skin ( oooh I said fat )

OR

a big skinny malink

and he will say curves everytime. Unless of course he's a bit young and stupid, OR you corner him in front of his skinny girlfriend OR he's gay and works in fashion OR he's one of those eejits who cares more what his mates think when he's out and about.

There is only one unspoken truth to all of this which I can sympathise with. Women are generally sick of being objectified as sex objects, curves are sexy, therefore they'd rather be slim than curvy because then they can feel empowered and blah blah blah.

At the end of the day, not wishing to offend anyone from outwith the heterosexual community (get you) buuuut on the whole girls like boys an boys like girls.

So everybody quit perving and the ladies can start eating again , grow their boobs back, get their sex drive back and everyone is happier.

Phwoooaarrrr

spent hours last night backspamming all the spammers.

it was much fun and got my kiddy thrills shouting Revenge in a spanish accent.

Thing is, and hold off with the "I told you so"s but
spammers don't actually exist...well not in a sentient way anyway, I sent loads of mails off with the subject header; "Woohoo this is soooo much better than anal bleaching!!!"

and in my head I thought the poor tired, exhausted and dehumanised sex-industry workers might find some relief from their trials and tribulations by taking a moment to laugh at my sex-industry comedicity, and find a tender moment in between assignments, to get in touch with their humanity again, safe in the knowledge that I don't want anything from them, except their mirth.

No chance.

the poor tired sex-industry workers were too busy and all I got was more spam, with my funky filthy header coming straight back to me within seconds.

frickin robots. sex robots. too busy with their assignments. And I your philanthropic Blogging Comedy Man, is left like a limp flannel, I feel like Orgazmo just after T-Rex is finished with him.

I was in France for a week just visiting the folks, fix the roof, do a couple of jobs, and generally get spoiled, you know all your favourite teas, choice of snacks in front of the telly, your Mum and Dad getting all warm and fuzzy. On the way home I got caught by the French rail strike so I had to sleep over at the airport.

So I broke open a bottle of my favourite wine I was supposed to be taking home so as I had a little stash of my favourite tipple in the tipple cupboard, and shared it with two fellow travellers, one guy was Portuguese, from Porto, the other French from Paris. We had a blether about the celtic fringe and how 250,000 Celtic supporters could visit Porto without incident, and why English football fans are such total tw@ts by comparison to every other country in the world, and generally put the world to rights, you know. I doubt I'll ever hear from either of them again, but it was nice to break bread.

There were a couple of homeless guys from India or Pakistan, sleeping too, and they looked in a terrible state, itching all night, freezing, covered in sores and scabs and whatever, reminds you that no matter how tired, down on your luck etc you are, there is always someone worse off than you, so count your blessings.

Unless your a football hooligan, in which case, in the words of Bill Hicks..."Kill yourself, no seriously, do it now"

I am inundated with spammers.

I have 1173 spams in my inbox, sadly none of it from people writing to me, just Viagra, extremely generous Nigerians and sex-industry workers.

So I have decided, rather than get email rage, I'll be bemused instead, and what I'll do is write back to them all. See if my hit rate goes up.

My draft letter will go like this:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I recently received an email from you, thoughtfully written, well spelt and containing excellent quality information of value to me and everyone I know, for which I remain eternally grateful. Please find below links to excellent web content for which you will be rewarded in heaven, once the Cosmic Administrators have received your bank details.

Piece
Bunstan McFunkstan, purveyors of sexual deviance to H.M. The Queen
www.bunstanmcfunkstan.co.uk

Also :
www.Myspace.com/bunstanmcfunkstan/
www.facebook.com/bunstanmcfunkstan
www.Bebo.com/bunstanmcfunkstan/
www.YouTube.com/bunstanmcfunkstan
www.cafepress.com/bmcf
www.bunstan.deviantart.com