Bunstan McFunkstan

Wouldn't you love to be coming to my zombie party. Wouldn't you just, but you aren't are you?

Monday night went to a wee shindig at the Mercat to get blutered and celebrate the birth of baby Jesus with chums and pals. It was all Yea and Verrily until we had to go home on the train, ( which doesn't leave nearly as regularly as my car but steering is easier when your pissed)

But I'm getting distracted, with only three non-comedians in the crowd it was kind of one of those nights where the good belly laughs are few and far between, not that comedians don't laugh at other comedians' jokes, it's just generally you've heard the material before, with the exception of Chris who wrote all new stuff, and the lovely, lovely Elaine Malcolmson, who is lovely, and also wrote all new stuff.

May Santa give you more presents than everyone else.

Oh and all the mentallists on the platform said my chips were the best - Chips with Jalapenos on 'em - try it - it's apparently better than that other crap they put on your chips in Edinburgh. ( there's a lot of rivalry between chips in Edinburgh and chips in Glasgow - it's a brown sauce versus red sauce thing )

Increase the Piece

Bunstan McFunkstan, purveyors of sexual deviance to H.M. The Queen

I made you a Christmas Card - Have a good Christmas and don't let the bastards get you down!!!

just wanted to see how that would fuck up the sponsored links at the top of my blog, and saves me googling for robots and zombies.

Oh oh oh, I got a zombie for my birthday, which is great if you have cats, cause the zombie has a movement sensor, the cat walks in to the kitchen and the zombie goes arrrrgggg chases the cat, who sidesteps, zombie charges into the cupboard, unable to redirect himself and the cats feel they have foiled him once again, stupid bastard. So the zombie gets his daily excersise, the cats get their daily ego-massage, my girlfriend who is cat daft is in stitches, everyone is happy really.

Cats are superior bastards aren't they? Not like zombies at all, zombies are a bit desperate really, all that runniing around. Robots wouldn't give you the time of day (unless they had an LCD clock in their foreheads of course)

I watched the 100 best stand up comedians tonight on the TV, was really pleased to see Ross Noble and Bill Hicks in the top ten, cause Bill Hicks inspired me to want to be one, and Ross Noble made me realise that I might be able to do it, even with my brain working the way it does. Bill Hicks was the second coming - God said I've tried love - I know this time I'll try honesty. Still died tho, shitty world isn't it, when not even God can survive in it. I blame all this free will crap. (Think about it)

Couple of surprises though, Jim Davidson was in there, at all, and Bernard Manning, Harry Hill was above Bill Hicks, was really surprised by that. One big non-surprise was how bitchy it was, comedy is famously un-glamourous and depressing backstage. Partly cause it's so competitive, partly cause all the pressure is on you, no matter who writes the jokes. Anyway

The ranking is done by audience voting so that explains the Harry Hill thing, not everyone will have seen Bill Hicks. But then it explains bernard manning and jim davidson too, which reminds you just how many people there are who laugh at that kind of thing. It's not cause they're all racists, it's cause most people don't realise and don't care how cheap and witless that kind of comedy is. they just want a laugh.

So I was rambling, having just watched a couple of hours worth of every famous comedian you've ever heard of, and how much shite actually earns millions. Manning has earned 8 or so million pounds. He's still an arsehole. Eddie Murphy must have earned god knows how much. He's also an arsehole but only in real life, wheres as Manning is also an arsehole when you watch him perform.

So I'm debating now whether to keep the plastic mac look, and just find the silliness that makes the audience relax a bit more, or to ditch the mac and do straight sets and come back to the mac if I want to. That or I could do space boy and go from there. Whatever happens, I'm sticking around, I'm quite good at bonking, but comedy is better. Don't tell Laura though.

I've just done one whole year of performing. a whole fucking year. I've had gigs at least every month and did three weekends of the Fringe and I'd still be gigging now only th'yre booked up for chrimble. Bit of a slack definition but if I was doing it every night I'd be a successful comedian rather than a baby comedian, so that's fair enough.

Just don't put it on your CV as a hobby, come the interview and they ask about your hobbies, you're under enough pressure already aren't you?

I just read this at the end of a list of comments on an article about Islam in the media...

"When I visited Ely Cathedral, I was shocked at the posters on global warming, which is a trendy bandwagon unsupported by hard science."

First of all, what a fucking twat.

Ok I feel better, hope you readers do too.

Secondly, let's suppose we indulge, MR SCEPTIC, your incredulous need to postpone cutting back on your ridiculous comsumerism and to recycle the odd can, let's indulge your need for facts, and take it to the extreme, and say there is no evidence for global warming (ahem)

So the massive extinctions of animals, destruction of natural environments over the last 50-100 years, and the insidious pollution of our own children's bodies* isn't enough for you?

*(increased levels of lead and other heavy metals, to name just one factor)

What the fuck is wrong with you?

How about instead of crucifying one tiny part of the problem, ie global warming, you acknowledge that there is a problem and get on with the business of being a responsible parent, make the odd sacrifice, and we might just manage to clean up our act.

Movember Is a Charity of moustachio'd men of muchos facial hairio

The idea is to grow a moustache for a month, raise lot's of money for charity, and hopefully get a feew laughs into the bargain. It was very succesful this year, making £3,040.00

London Movember

Today I will be mostly undermining the system from within.

“Worker bees can leave.
Even drones can fly away.
The Queen is their slave.” Fight Club

Was going to be going to Club Violate tonight, which is a fetish club on South Street, which if you don't know Glasgow, is basically one big long industrial estate, really dingey, perfect for a dodgy club.

Anyways the theme tonight is Santa's little helpers, so I was going to go down in my speedo and mac, but with a santa hat and elfin boots but obviously we're not going to make it. Next months theme isn't up on the website yet, but I'll let you know. Laura being the understanding chickybaby that she is, knows that she is the love of my life, so she's not too upset by the prospect of me cavorting around in the semi-buff with a load of depraved revellers.

If you've ever met anyone from that neck of the woods, you'll knbow they're hardly sexual predators it's just a bit of fun. Anyways, my partner in crime is single so he will be cavorting to the fullest, and he sent me a video in response to my space boy video:

So we are going to have a dance off in Club Violate. No videos allowed though. Which is probably a good thing anyway. They do take photos of everybody tho, so have a look if your into spanking or fetish or rubber or any of that stuff:

I know you're more than a wee bit scared right now, but it's ok, take a deep breath, it's not fetish club on the telly where everyone thinks they are a vampire, it's real life fetish club, where everyone isn't all drop dead gorgeous and their make up is a bit pish and it's actually just a bit sad, you know if you take it too seriously. Trust me, open your horizons a little bit, only good things will happen.