I have been working in Prison, teaching da yoof.

Normally, I have found teaching da yoof, pretty cool, and I have a knack for reaching the hard-to-reach, cause once upon a time I was just like them, maybe not as desperate, but always messing about and getting into trouble, not because I wanted the trouble, but because I wanted the teacher to address the fact that his subject was boring, so he should motivate us, and make it relevant, instead of assuming we should all sit quietly and listen to him/her bore the arse off us all...it's a bit cheeky sounding, but why should we make his job easy for him, I want to learn, asking why is asking for help to focus...if he had made it relevant, we'd all be budding physicists or whatever, instead of getting out of there as fast as we could.

Annnnywaaay, you get my point.

So I'm teaching in the prison, and I've managed to play my usual game of headfuck with the clients - if they want something of me, like they want to know why they have to do this crappy maths excersise, I will provide an entertaining and motivating mantra, the likes of which have never been seen before, and they realise they are in the hands of a gypsy, and not some middle class judgemental, punish da yoof with maths monologue, delivered in standard monotone pentametre.

In essence I laid this 'pon da yoof: (names have been changed to protect the innocent, da yoof speak in London Patois, despite being from Eltham and other non London boroughs, and my memory is not perfect so I have paraphrased)

Client 1: Do ya like eating pussy boss?
Me: What do you think Rupert? I'm 36 years old, bud.
Client 2: Do ya boss, cause we fawt you liked eatin batty instead?
Me: hahaha cheers Sebastian, why mate? are you offering?

They laugh, and the gay jokes stop there.

Client 1: I can't be fucked today boss, why da fuck us boys need to do maffs anyways...babylon!!!! (he does the whippy-finger thing at me)

A whole lot of refocussing occurs now, and I have to explain to them what "babylon" actually means, thereby prooving that I am not just a white boy who "done good at school", but actually have something to say, and thereby gets their attention again.

That was some conversation, and I can't remember it all, but if a picture speaks a thousand words, that conversation would look something like this:

cheers to the Ruthless Rap Assassins, by the way, for the inspiration for this picture.

Me: listen fellas, how long you got left inside? (answers vary from 27 months to 5 years) Ok so how much pussy do you think you could eat in that time? 5 Years is a whole lot of pussy if I'm not mistaken. Let me put it to you like this. You do the maths, you get a qualification, next time you get out, you stay out, instead of coming back in here for housebreaking or something stupid, and taking showers with all the other lads you were missing so much, yeah? (I do the whippy-finger thing back at him, and we laugh.)

Life is Real fellas...you get me...if you have sex with a girl without a condom, chances are you're going to make a baby...you live your life like you're in the movies, robbin and stealin...chances are...you're going to wind up somewhere like this...so...motivate yourself...every time you think you're bored of maths...add up all the pussy you could eat in 5 years, think about it, think long and hard about the pussy boys...life is real...snoop doggy dogg better get himself a jobby job.

"And after that, well the game was mine." Begbie
ie Yes, I am also laughing at my own vanity, it's not rampant ego-mania, but you do have to love yourself in this world.

Dedicated to the memory of John Wright (Rest in Paisley)